[ROCK& ROLL MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]
Maybe we can set the world's record for tying up a booth without ordering.
[POTSIE LAUGHS]
Say, how much money did you say you had?
Uh, 73 cents and, uh, an airmail stamp.
That makes our total assets $1.11.
You know, here we are, two able-bodied men with no money.
- Why? - Because we're lazy?
POTSIE: Hey, Ralph. - How's it going?
Terrific if you like eating leftovers.
Hey, you guys shouldn't mess the table like that.
Why, what's the matter? You used to do it.
You look at mess in a different light when you clean it.
So cool it. If you're gonna spill, spill on your clothes.
That's out of my jurisdiction.
Hey, Rich, I got an idea. Why don't we try to make money with our combo?
Ha, we're not good enough. Besides we haven't played in months.
Rich, it's rock 'n' roll. You don't have to be good, just loud.
We don't even have a piano player since Jerry Cutler moved away.
Yeah.
Ralph plays the piano. Hey, Ralph, come here.
Come on, guys, I'm busy as a one-armed paper hanger.
Hey, Ralph, how'd you like a chance at the big time, huh?
I mean, excitement, chicks, movies, cross-country road tours?
I already got a job.
No, you see, we need a piano player for our group.
Yeah, well, I don't wanna leave here. Arnie says I got a future.
In a couple of weeks, I could work myself up to french fries.
And who knows? Someday, chicken in a basket.
I better move before Arnie fires me.
ARNIE: Ralph!
[GROANS]
What time is the rehearsal, guys?
[BAND PLAYING ELVIS' "ALL SHOOK UP"]
POTSIE: Hey, gang. Let's go.
Yeah, Potsie.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Hey.
Well, what do you think, Fonz? We can take criticism.
Well, if I was Dick Clark,
- I'd give you an 83. - Really, Fonz?
- All right. - Terrific.
Yeah, but I ain't Dick Clark, so for my single self I give you a 43.
[BASS DRUM RINGS]
What do you think the problem is?
I don't know. I can't put my finger on it.
Hey, play.
- Huh? - The drums, play.
I passed.
Ralphie, smash them around.
All right. Richie.
You.
All right, all right. All together now, all right?
One, two, one, two, three, go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
FONZIE: Boys,
it's like ketchup and a, uh, banana split.
I mean, separately, all right, but together, whoa!
Oh, hello, Potsie. Come on in.
RICHIE: That's $550. HOWARD: Don't pay him.
POTS I E: Hi, everybody.
Hey, Rich, guess what. I got the combo a gig at a frat house.
- That's terrific. - Oh, isn't that wonderful, Howard?
- The boys got a job. - That's wonderful, Richie.
I'm very happy for you and I'd be twice as happy
if I could just roll doubles and get out of jail.
Tough luck, Dad.
POTSIE: It wasn't easy, but, uh, I got us $11.25 each.
RICHIE: No kidding? - I'll give you $12 to quit.
Why don't we go tell all the guys?
POTSIE: So long, everybody.
POTSIE: So long, Mr. C. - Good night, Potsie.
You know, Howard...
[HOWARD GASPS AND THEN MARION LAUGHS]
[BAND PLAYING ELVIS' "ALL SHOOK UP"]
[CHATTERING]
Nobody's dancing.
Who wants to dance to the same number all night?
A")! Requests?
[RALPH swans]
Ha, guys, um, what are we gonna do? We only know one number.
- Hey, we'll do "I'm All Shook Up." - That's the number.
And we've been playing it all night.
Yeah, only this time we'll do it with a vocal.
Oh, great.
"I'm All Shook Up," what do you think?
Okay, okay. Let's get this place hopping.
A one, two. A one, two, three, and...
[SINGING] Well, bless my soul
What's wrong with me?
I'm itching like a man On a fuzzy tree
My friends say I'm acting Wild as a bug
I'm in love
I'm all shook up
[BAND HUMMING]
Well, my hands are shaky And my knees are weak
I can't seem to stand On my own two feet
Who do you thank When you have such luck?
I'm in love
I'm all shook up
[HUMMING]
My tongue gets tied When I try to speak
My insides shake Like a leaf on a tree
There's only one cure For this body of mine
That's to have that girl That I know is so fine
Well, she touched my hand What a chill I got
Her lips are like A volcano that's hot
I'm proud to say She's my buttercup
I'm in love
I'm all shook up
[HUMMING]
Hey, hey
[HUMMING]
Hey, hey
I'm all shook up
- I don't think we got them hopping. - Ha, ha.
Look, why don't you give your feet a little rest while we take a little break?
[BOBBY DARIN'S "SPLISH SPLASH" PLAYING ON STEREO]
They're dancing now.
Well, of course, we warmed them up.
Come on. Let's get something to eat, Rich.
- We weren't ready for this job. - Well, what makes you say that?
Halfway through one of our numbers, the dog unplugged my guitar.
Hey, Rich, uh, don't look now, but that chick's giving me the eye.
Come on, Potsie, it's your imagination. She's a college girl.
So, what's that mean? I can pass for a college guy.
- Are you kidding? - Yeah. Well, just watch my smoke.
Hi, uh, my name's Potsie Weber.
I'm, uh, lead singer and manager of the band
and, uh, I couldn't help notice you were staring.
- Yes, I was. POTSIE: Ha-ha.
Did you know you have a piece of chive on your tooth?
No, I didn't. Uh, excuse me, I gotta get back to my group.
How'd you do?
Um, she's going steady. Uh, I didn't wanna cut the guy out.
You got a piece of chive on your tooth.
- Oh, I know. I know. - Oh.
Do it all the time.
We didn't really need all this, you know?
POTSIE: They could have at least applauded when we finished.
Potsie, there was nobody left to applaud.
They all walked out a half-hour ago.
But they were walking with the beat.
Hey, uh, I gotta haul. When do we get paid?
Yeah, let's get the money before they change their minds.
Look, you guys go ahead. I'll get the money and we'll divvy it up tomorrow.
Well, I guess that'd be okay.
But let Richie hold the money.
You hear that, Richie? Don't let him touch it.
See you, Pots.
Rich, I gotta talk to you.
To close the deal I had to make compromises.
Like what?
Like I'll tell you while we're sweeping up.
Sweeping UP?
That wasn't so bad.
No. While you were at it, why didn't you volunteer to do the windows?
Oh, they wanted us to do the windows, but I said, no dice.
We play music and sweep floor, but that's it.
- You drive a hard bargain. - Come on.
- Okay, I'll bet a quarter. - I'll see that, I think.
I'll see you, but I must be crazy to play cards like this.
Are you kidding? I'd bet everything on that.
- I fold. - I'm out.
See, I told you you'd win.
Yeah, it's not every day I win the ante.
What do you want?
Oh, uh, our money. We finished sweeping the floor.
Oh, yeah. What do I owe you guys, 40 bucks?
- Forty-five. - Yeah.
You know something,
you got a really good eye for poker, you know that, kid?
Hey, thanks. We play it all the time.
Oh, yeah?
Uh, listen, I, uh, happen to be about $4 short here,
but, look, I'll tell you what, why don't I pay you in chips? Here.
You can sit in a hand or two and maybe double your money.
- What do you say? - Hey, I think I got $4.
Hey, what did you do that for?
It was an accident. Why don't you stack your chips or something?
Well, you boys in or out?
No. I don't think we should play.
Hey, you'll have to excuse my friend. He doesn't even watch Bilko.
What have we got to lose, huh? I mean, it's only 2 bucks apiece.
It's no big deal.
Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt just to play one hand.
Yeah, one hand or two hands.
But the important thing is to make them think you know all about poker.
It's called bluffing. Come on.
Okay, you can deal us in.
Roscoe, you're out. He's in.
- Come on. Animal, take Roscoe away. - See you, Roscoe.
MURF: Come on, he won enough already.
[POTSIE LAUGHS]
Sit down. Sit down. Here's your money.
Here's your chips. Here's your $4 in chips.
- Let's play poker. - Okay, deal them and weep.
No. That's read them and weep.
Oh, yeah.
Say, Murf, could I talk to you a minute in private?
Sure.
Hey, Animal, why don't you talk to the kids for a while?
[ANIMAL CHUCKLES]
Hey, uh.
Maybe you guys, ha-ha... Maybe you guys heard of me.
Rodney Lane.
Varsity football.
Are you kidding? Gambling with a couple of kids?
It's not gambling. I'm gonna use the marked deck
and I'm gonna get back every cent I paid them.
That's stealing.
Listen, taking money for the way their band played, that's stealing.
Come on.
Ah, you guys don't follow sports.
Okay, let's play-
Okay, we're ready.
Are you guys, uh, sure you know how to play?
Oh, sure. Sure, I play cards all the time.
Whenever I used to play in summer camp, I used to win all the beans.
Right. Seven-card high-low. Let's play poker.
Ante.
Won all the beans, eh?
Can we go to bed now, huh?
Why, you said you'd help paste stamps until Richie got home.
Yeah, that was three books ago.
Oh, we just need 800 books for this television hi-fi console.
How close are we?
Oh, we only need about 768 more.
By the time you save them, your favourite shows will be off the air.
MARION: There they are.
- Hi. - Hi, Mr. and Mrs. C.
Richie, Potsie. We expected you about an hour ago.
Yeah, we, uh, hung around
and, uh, won $50 in a poker game.
Yeah, yeah, we won $50.
You won $50 in a poker game?
Richard, you know I don't like your playing cards.
You won? Did you hear that, Marion? They won.
I heard. I think you should punish him.
My son won $50 in his first poker game.
Oh, he's a chip off the old block, Marion.
But we sort of lost the last hand, though.
Oh, how much?
Everything, including the money that we earned.
I think you better have a talk with your son, Marion.
[HOWARD SIGHS]
You mean to tell me that you won every hand
up until the last pot and then you lost it all?
And just before the last deal
a card was ripped so they put in a new deck?
Exactly. It's like you were there.
I was many times.
You guys were taken in by the Hoboken Hustle.
Boy, Rich, are we dumb. Taken in by the old Hoboken Hustle.
HOWARD: Richard, you not only lost your money,
you lost money that didn't even belong to you.
Uh, well, I guess you wanna have a father-son talk,
so I'll be taking off, ha. See you.
[POTSIE WHISTLING]
Taken in by the old Hoboken Hustle.
That's terrible.
Dad, how did you know about this, uh, Hoboken Hustle thing?
Well, you see, Richard...
- Howard, he doesn't have to know. - Know what?
Why not? He's old enough. You see, at one time...
Your father was a pretty good poker player.
What do you mean "pretty good"?
They didn't call me "Chips Cunningham" for nothing.
Nobody ever called you Chips, Howard.
They did so.
Okay, if you say so, Howard.
I mean, Chips.
You mean you were, uh, really a good card player?
Marion, bring me a deck of cards.
I'm gonna show you a couple of reasons
why they called me Chips Cunningham.
- Here are the cards, dear. HOWARD: Mm-hm.
[HOWARD MUTTERS]
Haven't lost the old touch. Watch this one.
Cut the deck, but don't show me your card.
- Now, who won? - I don't know.
Does Mr. Candlestick Maker beat Old Maid?
- Marion. - You won, dear.
Old Maid beats Mr. Candlestick Maker.
Richard, I'm going up and get dressed
and then you and I are going to the frat house,
and I'm gonna win your money back, but not with that deck.
ANIMAL: Okay, I'm in. BRIAN: Oh, yeah.
I'm in. Uh, let me see what Roscoe's got.
All right, Roscoe's in and he, uh, raises you one.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey, go answer the door, will you, you animal?
[ANIMAL MURMURS]
BRIAN: O'Rourke probably forgot his keys again.
[ANIMAL LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]
Hi.
It's the kid we fleeced tonight, and he's with some old guy.
Stall him.
[ANIMAL M U-l-FE RS]
ANIMAL: Hi. - Hi, again.
Welcome to the Zeta Phi house. I'm Lane. Varsity football.
Do you mind if we talk for a couple minutes?
Well, sure. Uh, we ain't doing nothing.
- Come on in. - Thank you.
Yeah. We're gonna talk, guys.
BRIAN: Now, if a human being represents the existentialist, uh...
This is little Richie Cunningham. You remember from the party?
Oh, yeah, little Richie Cunningham from the party. He was in the band.
Yeah, and I'm little Richie Cunningham's father.
Oh, Mr Cunningham, it's a pleasure to meet you. What can we do for you?
Well, I'll tell you, my son, Richard,
he came on home without the money that you were supposed to give him.
- Oh, we paid him. - Yeah, but he lost it playing cards.
Oh?
Richard, you didn't tell me that.
- Dad, I... - All right, we'll talk about it later.
Gee, fellas, I'm terribly sorry. I thought for a minute you pulled a fast one.
But if he lost it playing cards, well, then it's lost.
Yeah, sometimes lady luck just isn't smiling on you.
Oh, I know exactly what you mean.
I play a little cards myself.
You can't keep me away from bridge night at the church, ha.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
Well, uh, listen, I guess you'll be going now, Mr. Cunningham.
I guess you could say that cards are in my blood.
Uh, did you ever play poker?
I taught Richard everything he knows.
No kidding.
[MURF SNICKERS]
Uh, you know what, we were just gonna, uh...
We were just gonna get up a little friendly little game here.
- Shazam! - Will you look at that?
Cards and chips and everything.
Yeah. Why don't you just have a seat?
- Well, thank you. - Hey. Uh.
ANIMAL: Do you follow sports? - Oh, yeah, sure.
- Oh, look, I bent a card. - Oh, you ruined the deck.
Gee, I hope you've got another deck.
I just happened to have one right here.
Oh, will you look at that.
This must be my lucky night, huh, Richie?
All right. How about a little seven-card high-low.
Let's play poker.
- Okay. - Ante.
- Uh, red one? - Yeah.
High-low. Let's see... Oh, yeah.
Oh, I'm just gonna watch my dad.
Watch Dad win.
Ah, let's see, then.
Eight, 10, king, seven.
Dad, I thought the idea was to win the money back.
Patience, Richard.
Brian, what are you doing?
I thought you were gonna let him win and then take him in the big pot.
He should have won every hand. He's worse than his kid.
MURF: Hey, Mr. Cunningham, the cards are getting cold.
Oh.
You guys are just too hot for me.
BRIAN: Ha, he wins again, folks. And wins big.
Listen, uh, you know, it's almost dawn.
Why don't we speed things up a little bit and raise the stakes. Huh?
ANIMAL: Sure. - Yeah, why don't we?
- Uh, why don't we double them? - Why don't we triple them.
- Just for fun. - Uh.
Well, why don't we say no limit?
Oh, well, now, I don't know... All right.
And I'll tell you what, instead of using these cards
why don't we use these?
Hey, Murf, he carries cards too, ha.
[LAUGHS]
Uh, you know, I just remembered, uh, uh
we have to get up early tomorrow. We got early classes.
I don't got an early class tomorrow.
I'll tell you what. Why don't we all get up early tomorrow morning, huh?
We can meet at the dean's office
and I can show him those funny little cards of yours.
[TITTERS]
- I'm in. - I'm in. I'm in.
All right, gentlemen, the name of the game is five-card draw,
jacks or better to open. And may the best man win.
Come on, dear. Eat your breakfast.
Where's Dad and Richie?
They had an errand to run.
[YAWNING] Good morning, Marion, Joanie.
They were out all night. You gonna ground them, Mom?
Daddies are allowed to stay out as late as they want.
But good daddies better not make a habit of it.
- Thank you, Marion. - What happened?
RICHIE: Oh, well, Dad won all my money back.
- It's not your money. It's my money. - What money?
You can keep it, though, because you gotta pay off your debts.
But you and Potsie will have to work a couple of weekends in the store.
- What debts? - It's none of your business, Joanie.
Why not? I'm one of the family.
Say, you know, it's getting late. Why don't you go to bed?
I just woke up.
Oh. Well, in that case, you stay up and I'll go to bed.
JOAN I E: You can't go to bed.
Today's Junior Chipmunk father-daughter outing.
[HOWARD GROANS]
Marion, can't you go?
Oh, great, the only event I'll win is the prettiest father.
Listen, Dad, I can take her.
He's worse than Mom. Besides, at the brother-sister outing,
all he tried to do was make out with the Senior Chipmunks.
- Joanie. - I did not.
Who would wanna bother with a bunch of tomboys with overbites.
Mary Ellen is the only one with an overbite.
- They're all the same with the outfits. - Okay, okay. Hold it, hold it. I'll go.
HOWARD: Hmm?
MARION: Joanie cooked the dinner tonight.
- Yes, there we go. - Oh, yeah.
Well, what, uh, are we having for dinner, huh?
It's a recipe from my Junior Chipmunk's book.
Oh.
- What's in the soup, Joanie? - Howard.
I just wanna know what we're eating, Marion.
It's bark soup.
The recipe says use birch, but I couldn't find any, so I used willow.
Willow? Ha.
Uh, ahem. Joanie...
What do you say we all go out and get some nice cheeseburgers?
- With french fries? - And milk shakes.
Oh, that's a good idea, Dad.
This is a terrific soup. Can I have more?